Stopping to Take a Breath…

Yes, so it’s been a while…again…and time still hasn’t stood still for me yet. With my recent graduation, I’ve found out that life doesn’t get much easier after you receive the diploma, in fact it’s much, MUCH harder! Now that I am interning for a curation site, I’m beginning to differentiate the type of news I find more interesting than others and the ones that stand out as more obsolete and unimportant in my life.

Unfortunately I’m not at the stage where I can pick and choose what I can get paid for, this poses a problem especially in today’s economy. Since I’ve started my interning, I’ve felt more of an ambition to put my own life into a book…maybe it’s because I’m lacking the human interest side of information? Although I feel so much more experienced in my writing, I still feel like I’m going nowhere. Another job I’ve had for quite some time actually allows me to gain  revenue, but doesn’t exactly fit into my future, or at least most of it doesn’t- however, it allows me to listen and share information with others.

When I sit down with someone and tell them just a fraction of my own story, I always feel like they want to know more. With the busy-ness of being an intern/restaurant worker, I’ve forgotten how to tell it at times. When I hear in passing about someone I know who is ill or suffering, (or even if I don’t know them) I automatically feel the overwhelming sorrow and this makes me want to run home and just write it all down on paper before I forget- or even just sit with them for a minute to share important advice and insight.

I regret not writing most of my memories from my past and one thing I’ve learned from this, is to record my most horrific and most amazing memories as much as I can in the future. Luckily, social networking sites allow us to participate in an open, online diary to the world with only writing just a few words a day.

I feel that not writing down important events only increases the amount of energy and time I would need to put into, possibly, writing a memoir which will (ironically enough) make it even more undesirable to begin. My advice to you during whatever mess you find yourself within life, is to write it DOWN! Even just passing this advice through the web somewhat helps me depict the avenue I hope to pass down within my future career.  I feel more comfortable talking to you then I have writing any other story over the web…this explains a lot.

A quote I found that interested me further on this topic, “The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.”  ~Anaïs Nin

I find each day a mystery yet just as boring as the next… most of this is due to the lack of expression I’ve been sending out to my audience, and I am deciding to change that TODAY. I’m stopping for a breath of fresh air and a moment to let it all out into words from my experiences. Life is always going to be filled with laundry, a long day of work or even an assignment that takes too long to finish- what’s more important is that we spend some part of that time doing something we love…if not, then what’s the point?

Stop, take a breath…and let it out!

Reality Bites!

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, and I apologize for that, but the month of May was just plain crazy! Finishing up the school semester was a rough one (especially since I tend to take up way more than I can handle at times). While still working full-time, in school full-time, getting ready for summer internship AND being a first time team captain for Relay for Life…the pressure is definitely on and time is limited. Point blank, theres just not enough hours in a day! Luckily, due to some saving of hard cash, I was able to escape to Mexico for a week and recharge my batteries, and also think of some really great topics to share with you all. Unfortunately, I can’t remember all of the information I thought of while on my Mexican adventure, but I’ll do my best to distribute as much as possible.

One main theme that was presented to me, was the idea of being in such a beautiful place; just the scenery alone was something I could write a thousand words about. The sun was so bright and warm, the sky so infinite and blue which matched the ocean and the constant smell of fresh air and coconut that passed through my room when I opened the patio door; I was truly grateful for all of these things.

After recovering from treatments, I’ve noticed a specific behavior in traveling and always wanting to escape. Within the last 7-8 years, I’ve lived here in New York but also in San Francisco and Georgia both for 2 reasons being completely opposite. Although I’ve always loved to travel before my diagnosis, the yearning and drive to actually do more of it came after my experience. I wanted to experience different lifestyles. I wanted to break away from what I had been used to since the time I was born…live another life. Although the reasons of my going to those specific places were not the same, still in the same way they were my excuse for going. So I did. After realizing how much of a NY girl I was (which proved to show after my journey’s), I still valued my experiences and yearn to “get away” from life and escape every now and again. After all this time, I’m still trying to pick up the pieces I’ve been missing since I’ve recovered; if your constantly moving around from place to place, it’s hard to move forward in life.

I’m very happy to say that my life is finally moving forward. I am currently in my last year of college (finally) and am looking forward to a bright future in Journalism and/or Communications. Even though I find myself in this fortunate position now, still I have to owe some of that motivation to the experiences I had in both Georgia and San Francisco. I couldn’t imagine not knowing the people I know (now) from those places or seeing some of the things that I saw and still been able to progress. Those significant memories (and people) put together the puzzle of Jenny and made her complete!

Quite often, many who experience a life-altering or traumatic event tend to live life on the edge afterwards (or so I’m told). Someone who had a chance to survive a deadly car accident or (in my case) beat a rare form of cancer, might just take advantage of every given opportunity life has to offer, especially if they’re young. Supposedly, these people “breathe a different kind of air” as some might say. But who knows how true that is? What is it that the (fortunately) healthy person lacks that the unfortunate possess?  Why do we need something that is life-altering in order to see whats in front of us? Something inside me tells me that the certain beauties and nature of life itself wouldn’t be as interesting to me if tragedy had not taken place.

Relays, “Celebration of Life!”

For those of you who were not informed, this year is my first year volunteering for the major event, Relay for Life. In fact, not only am I a part of the fundraising event, but I even created my very own team…me being the team captain. Just to give a little more information on the event, the history of the event and where I chose to partake in it, I’ve decided to create this post dedicated for those who would like some information and maybe (possibly) are interested in donating.

Just to give you a little heads up on when and how this event began, it started with a Dr. Gordy Klatt from Tacoma, Washington who was a colorectal surgeon. In 1985, Dr. Klatt ran and walked around a track (Baker Stadium) for a whole 24 hours to raise money for cancer (American Cancer Society). Since this specific gentleman made such a mark for others around the nation, throughout the years more and more states and countries decided to join in and create an even bigger event. Today, there are at least 3.5 million people in over 5,000 communities that participate in Relay for Life including 20 other countries! Isn’t it amazing how just one incredible person can make a difference by just believing in something?…Or in Dr. Klatt’s case…just simply walking?

The specified city I decided to partake in within this event, is the Bensonhurst/Dyker Heights Brooklyn event (in the Ft. Hamilton football field)  on June 19th, 2010. Now, why would I choose this location? Well, there is actually more than one reason. First reason is because I have a great number of people that live within that specific area and it’s easy for them to participate if they choose to. Since my cousin was born and raised over in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn has been almost like a second home to me. The other, and more NEW reason to me, is because it’s right in the middle of the two places that made such a huge difference in my life. Staten Island, NY is my home where I have grown up my entire life, and Manhattan, NY is where I received all of my treatments. When driving through the city of Brooklyn (with dad) every single morning within those 6 months through rush hour traffic, never had it dawned on me that one day I’d be apart of something amazing in that borough.

When talking with Karin Rockwin, manager of special events in Brooklyn for Relay, she explained the event as being “a celebration of life.”  Karin also adds, “we do Relay because we are fighting cancer, but we also do it to honor those who have beat it and those who were not able to beat it. We want to celebrate every cancer survivor as well as those who have not survived.”  Karin Rockwin works hand in hand with Nancy Colt who is the head director of Relay for Life in the Bensonhurst, Brooklyn charter.

The relay consists of a whole 24 hour event (because cancer “never sleeps”).  The first lap is called “The Survivor Lap” in which I will so proudly be partaking in as well as many other laps I’m sure. The entire day itself is dedicated to fundraising for The American Cancer Society with such things like “moon cards” and “luminaria candles.” At the end of the day, when darkness hits the field, there will be dozens of lights hitting the field of Ft. Hamilton. These lights are only small white bags with names and candles lit on the inside. I have to admit, from what I’ve heard, this is the more emotional part of the event. The Luminaria Ceremony is one that remembers those who were lost or survived the disease. Together, I imagine these small white bags connecting with their small fire that burns brightly on the inside; it is a fire that represents each poor soul that had to endure every second of what that disease burned out. Im looking forward to this part of the event.

So far, within the Bensonhurst/Dyker Heights event, there are 46 teams and 240 participants involved. My team is named “Team NYC” and consists of 9 teammates (including myself). So far, through only online donating, we’ve achieved the goal of $726. Starting tomorrow, I will be carrying around my Relay envelope and physically collecting (through work and other environments) some fast cash for all my cancer beaters out there! So, if you just so happen to come across my path, look out because I will be all over your wallet!  : ) I will also keep those, who are interested, updated in my money-making and each week you will all know how close I am to my goal of $2,000. I am also looking to do a happy hour event sometime before the week of June 7th so i will keep all of you posted on that as well. If you are interested in donating for a wonderful cause, you may do so online or through myself if you choose. There is a link on this blog as well as on my facebook page, please contact me if you have any trouble doing so.

On a personal note, I would just like to say THANK YOU to those who have supported me, my team and my new found blog that I’ve created. So many of you had given me such amazing feedback and I want those of you to know that it is all very much appreciated and does not go unnoticed. Many thanks to such amazing friends and family. I love you guys with all my heart!

If you are further interested in starting your own team or joining one, here is an “informational link” to learn more about the cause and the history. Good luck to you all.

http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/whatisrelay#whatisrelay

Today, I Met a New Friend…

About a year ago, I was asked to participate in a case study for MSKCC (Sloan Kettering) for previous teen cancer patients. The study consisted of an interview which lasted somewhere around an hour with a woman named Sarah Shankman, an assistant for the psychologist Dr. Jennifer Ford. Just recently I have decided to find out more about Dr.Ford and her efforts toward the case study and practice within psychology. On May 3rd, I ventured across the water on a bright orange ferry to talk with Dr. Ford , it was my  first time meeting her. I was on a mission to gain more knowledge about her passion and understand her personal history in the field of Psychology. Dr. Ford is an assisting attending Psychologist in Sloan Kettering within the departments of Psychology, Behavioral Science and pediatrics. She attended Washington University in St. Louis where she received her B.A. and Kent University where she received her M.A. and P.H.D. Dr. Ford has been working in MSKCC since 2000.

Sloan Kettering Pediatric Center

J.A: So, just for some background information, what made you step into the field of Psychiatry in general, aside from working for Sloan?

Dr.F: That’s a hard question. As an undergrad I was always interested in people, like what makes people tick and what makes us do the things that we do and as I learned more about it, I learned more about Health Psychology- meaning the study of what happens to people who are faced with a chronic illness. Whether it’s Diabetes…cardiac problems…cancer and I became very interested in the issue of resilience. So opposed to what a lot of traditional psychiatrists or what psychology looks at, which is sort of the [deficit] of problems, I was really interested in what makes people do well when faced with something that is life-altering and potentially life-threatening. Some of my work was done in HIV and HIV prevention in graduate school and I had done some work in Oncology… and then I came here and just fell in love with it and I’ve been here ever since.

J.A: How many years have you actually been here?

Dr.F: I’ve been here since 2000.

J.A: Wow, definitely a good amount of time there…so why Sloan Kettering? Is it mainly because of all the access to the patients you can get your hands on?

Dr.F: Well, it’s actually a combination of things, some of it is working with incredible patients and just the diversity in general…We’re such a big institution, we see a lot of diversity here. Some of it is also the physicians- I feel like I work with some of the best physicians in the world, I actually can’t imagine being anywhere else.

J.A: I definitely agree with you there, I had never gotten such good treatment from anywhere or anyone else in a hospital environment, it’s obvious that they know what they’re doing. Especially with the pediatric center, even though I was 17 and wasn’t interested with a lot of what they did for the kids, I felt that it was still really great how they constructed all the events and entertainment for kids within the in and out-patient facilities.

Dr.F: Well, it does raise an issue as a professional both here and thinking nationally about being 17 and diagnosed. I think you don’t really quite fit in peds and you don’t fit in adult from a psychological standpoint, but from a medical standpoint, you probably fit in peds because they know the disease and they know what they’re doing. But I think there’s a real national push to start trying to figure out what you do with an adolescent or young adult and where they fit.

J.A: Very interesting point you just brought up which brings me to my next question. Can you talk a little bit about the case study you performed on myself and other pervious teen, cancer patients? What do you intend the outcome to be?

Dr.F: I became very interested in the issue of how cancer fits into the whole sense of identity and self because I think it’s not a discreet event, not only is it life-altering in the moment, but it’s something you live with every day for the rest of your life. Since I see patients and do research, I saw with my patients this real sense of telling me “It changed me” in many ways …and I really became interested in figuring out…how can we explain how it fits in to sense of self both in a functional way and a way that maybe doesn’t help people so well? With the intent of figuring out what our intervention would be as well. How would we help people, when would we help people and WHAT would it look like? We’re doing a 3 part study…we’re finished with individual interviews, we’ve done almost 30 individual interviews with all people who were diagnosed during a particular age of diagnoses which ranged between 15 and 19 years of age- everyone was between the age of 15 and 25 at the time when we interviewed them. We then conducted 4 focus groups which were separated by age and gender and are still going through the analysis of that… and the next piece that we actually have just started with is to then survey 300 people with a traditional paper and pencil questionnaire. What that allows us to do is to take what we learned from the individual interview and the groups and say, how does this generalize to a larger group? That’s really when you want to design an intervention because its not necessarily designed for one person only, its what we can implement on a larger scale and what’s common across people. We’ve seen already through the interviews, really common themes that people are raising.

J.A: I know that Sarah, your assistant, was the person who interviewed me a year ago, but do you also interview as well?

Dr.F: Well, I did the groups and Sarah actually conducted all of the interviews herself even though I’ve listened to every recorded interview… and what we do is get a transcript and get them transcribed almost like a word file. There are 4 of us going through them and coding the main themes… its like taking the computer and highlighting in different colors the different themes that come up and allows us to figure out all of the common themes that people raise individually.

J.A: So, what is the major theme that you’ve gotten from all of these interviews so far?

Dr.F: Thematically, theres a couple things that are very striking to me, but one of the things is, that people really vary by where this sense of being a “cancer survivor” comes from, I’m not sure everyone really identifies with that term. I think it varies from where people have found a way to place it and I think some people, [like you] who feel almost as if it didn’t even exist…there are some people who absolutely do not want to identify with it at all, and then there are many people who sort of embrace it and it becomes a very big part of their life, [ I.e] how they introduce themselves to people…how they think about themselves and some of those people also may choose to do advocacy. I think the other thing that we really see is a real sense of disruption. Adolescence is a time where you’re trying to separate from your parents and while also trying to figure out who you are; all of these being big identity issues, and then all of sudden somebody comes along and says “Oh, by the way, you’re sick.”Some of these people had moved away and had to come home or missed out on major social events and social activities that are a big part of a teens world; peer relationships have been interrupted.. really finding out who your friends are and aren’t..and so on. My patients have ranged from the age of 2 or 3 to 75 and I can tell you its much different being diagnosed at the age of 2 or 3 then that of someone who’s 17 or 75, and research wise, we don’t know a lot about that adolescent disruption. Another popular theme is this great sense of appreciation, I see a lot of people react afterwards like “I don’t want to waste any time” or “I don’t sweat the small stuff” type of attitude and also the different types of perspective from others around them. The biggest thing is the sense of maturity at a younger age and I think people may see that as both of an asset and a detriment-an asset because they feel like their more mature, almost like a little adult, and a detriment because a lot of people don’t want that sense of mind-frame at ages like 15 or 17 years old; this also raises the issue of having a lot of difficulty relating to their peers.

J.A: I can tell you that a lot of what you’re saying with the themes is exactly what I went through and am still going through especially with the notion of wanting to relive the time I’ve spent in a hospital bed.

Dr.F: Thats another big theme we like to call, “making up for lost time.” A lot of other things people talk about has to do with risky behavior like bungee jumping or drinking and partying.. really just want to get back to being young, and that’s a huge, huge theme people raise.

J.A: Just out of curiosity, and I know you can’t really talk about individual experiences due to confidentiality, but was there someone during those interviews that stood out for you the most or someone you felt you connected with the most?

Dr.F: I do this for a living so I feel like they all stand out…not trying to avoid the question…but everyone has their own unique story even before they had cancer and stand out in their own way which is what I love about doing interviews. Even though regular research studies are constructed in more of a generalized fashion and questionnaire based, theres something about doing individual interviews that is so amazing, because I believe everybody’s story is important and meaningful…so I don’t know if theres one person that really stands out but really just little bits of everybody. The two things that I really took away from it were not only the common threads throughout, but each of the things that made each person sort of unique, which is neat because as a researcher… you dont have many opportunities to get to know people on a personal level. Im lucky because Im a clinician as well so it’s nice to have both [experiences].

J.A: I can definitely get the sense that your involvement with the patients and the type of care you lend out to your patients is something very special and it’s obvious that this practice is something extremely important to you. Just from sitting across from you and listening, I can tell that you truly care and love what you do. I also can tell you that even though the experience that I had was horrible and traumatic, still I feel that watching someone I care about go through it would be a much worse situation.

Dr.F: Once again, another theme raised in the interviews. Not only having someone else go through it, but watching their parents have to watch THEM go through it, was worse than the actual treatments. So people would say things like “ya so, I went through chemo and radiation and it sucked… but seeing the look on my dads face or watching him cry like he did, was worse.” So I think people feel this little bit of protectiveness and also a little bit of guilt about what their family went through- could be either what they gave up financially or psychologically and emotionally.

J.A: With anyone who is a survivor or is battling right now with cancer, is there any advice that you would give them? What would you say to them?

Dr.F: Well, I think it’s hard to prescribe one piece of advice for everyone because ya know, one size does not fit all, but I would say most people have said to me…connecting with someone else who was young and going through something similar was invaluable. I think after the fact, people certainly gain the incredible sense of, “oh, someone gets it!” because I think no matter how much your family saw you go through or how much your friends were there, they haven’t been through it in the same way and I think probably don’t live with the same fears and anxieties as a survivor would…people would say to me, to connect with someone else who’s a twenty-something year old and kind of understands those fears and anxieties of the aftermath within survival, can be incredibly beneficial. Everyone has their own way of doing it whether it be through the internet or in person but either way, there is a better sense of understanding there.

Many thanks to my new found friend, Dr.Ford, for taking the time out of her schedule to sit and talk with me. It certainly was an amazing conversation and a pleasure to meet with her.

Swimming in Shark-Infested Waters…

So for most of you who were not aware, I would also like to add that I have a shark bite. Yes, I have been bit by a shark! I was swimming in the pacific, blue waters of Hawaii when I was attacked on my upper left thigh and was left a huge scar with some missing tissue. After I was bitten, I wrestled the shark and racing away from is dagger-like fangs, I was able to choke him with only the strength of my arms. Naturally, he was defeated! Really!

No…no, not really. But that’s the story I have chosen to stick to when others have asked about my scar, especially when it has been brought up on a casual basis by a perfect stranger. Just a little bit of advice to some who may need it, never EVER ask about any type of extreme (visual) injury on someone unless you have known them for more than an hour. On so many occasions, I have been asked from random people (in a rude and abrupt manner) about the scar on my leg. Most of the time, obviously, it has been at the beach so you can imagine the reaction I get from others when I tell them the frightening tale of my shark wound (it’s actually pretty funny). Although my scar has decreased in visibility over the years, it’s still there and cannot be avoided. The point is…I KNOW it’s there, so if I don’t know you… why should I tell you how it got there?

Others may not feel the same about their “shark wounds”, and it’s easy for them to express their survival and talk about it even to perfect strangers. Not saying I don’t take pride in my own survival, I just feel that there’s a time and place for everything. And not for nothing, someone approaching me about it before an actual “hello”, really pisses me off! So when is a good time to tell others whom you’ve just met about your recent (or past) survival? To be honest, I still find trouble deciding. Ultimately, I think it depends on the situation and the person.

In my recent  interview with Dr.Ford (a psychiatrist working in Sloan Kettering psychiatric center), we’ve touched quite a bit on this subject. Now, although I’m saving my post with the interview for later on in the week, I would still like to talk about this subject because I find it so interesting and valuable to those who may need help in this department. The main focus and issue with who and when to tell came down to 3 major categories.

1-) Dating

2-) Job Interviews

3-) Co-workers and “new” friends.

I chose dating as my number 1 because I feel it to be the most antagonizing of the categories. Even though I am no longer dating, still I think (and I don’t believe I’m alone on this) that telling someone your dating that your a cancer survivor right in the beginning may be a little awkward. If it comes up in conversation for whatever reason, sure…let them know but don’t get into too much detail just yet. Even though you may like them and want them to know, telling them right away (in my opinion) may seem like too much of a touchy subject. To me, it’s a subject that can be touched upon when the time is right. When is the time right? I have no idea, that’s up to you to decide but I can tell you now, it’ll be tricky to know when. You have to make sure that the person your dating takes you seriously enough to appreciate your struggle/survival. For me, it’s always varied…sometimes it came right out, sometimes it didn’t. All I can say (most importantly) is to make sure your 100% comfortable with talking about it first in order to let your prospective, significant other know.  Don’t just spill the beans because you feel like you have to, make sure you’re ready for it mentally.

As far as job opportunities and interviews, I say, do what’s necessary. What does that mean? Well, basically, leave it as “if they ask, then tell” basis. Never once have I gotten a job over pity from my past illness, but I have had to inform past employers due to certain gaps in my resume or questions about health in general. I feel that this obligation to the truth is much easier than that of dating because it’s more on a professional level. Again, some of you may feel differently than I (especially with levels of comfort) but I personally believe the truth in this situation is more objective than anything. For example, my perspective employer may survey or ask me certain questions like this;

“So Jen, have you had any recent health issues or problems?”

I’ll answer with, “Well, sir/ma’am, I have a previous cancer history.”

Just like that. If they stop for a second or two and question the specifics of your disease, just tell them as one professional to another. You’re on a job interview, no need to raise dramatics or get into any depressing details, you’re there for one reason and one reason only… to live the rest of your life and get a job! Personal levels of information can be brought up down the line when you feel it to be most comfortable. In the beginning of your career or job, just state the facts and leave the rest for a better time.

Last, but certainly not least, there’s the issue of “newbies.” Ok, what’s a newbie? A “newbie” is someone (other than a romantic situation) who comes along and is added to the list of friends/aquantinces in your life. It may be an employee, a classmate or even a customer; anyone you’ve met after your diagnosis are all “newbies” to me because, naturally, your a new YOU after your diagnosis. So, when is a good time to bring it up? Truth is, it’s never a good time. There are certain people I’ve known for at least 2 years that had no idea about my cancer history until just recently (due to my blogging). To be honest, I don’t feel it to be necessary to tell anyone because if they’re close to you, they’ll already know.

Now, that statement can mean a lot of things. Although I have a huge amount of friends (whom I love dearly), at least 50% of them have met me post treatments. If your a survivor of childhood cancer like myself, that may be the case for most of you. Normally, the word just “gets out” through other mutual friends, but in the situation that it doesn’t, be your own boss on this one. All of my close friends know about my past disease, some may know the gory and disturbing details and others may just know the facts. Either way, it’s known. Lets be real here, theres no hiding something of this nature to someone you may or may not be best friends with in the future. Of course, (as I said previously) it depends on the amount of time actually knowing them and your comfortability with it. Like anything else, things take time and it depends on your frame of mind when meeting or knowing this individual. Could take years…could take weeks. The way I see it is this;  how can anyone truly grasp the person you are on a friendship level without knowing what you’ve been through? No need to sound over-boastful about it, just let them know WHO you are.

So there’s my little piece of advice. Just to update some of you, I no longer tell perfect strangers about my gruesome shark tale. Since I’ve become more comfortable with my past, I tell them straight forward and learned it to be more beneficial for myself in the long run.

“Oh my god, what happened to your leg?” ,the perfect stranger will ask.

“Oh that?”, I’d reply, “The cancer ate away half my leg so I had to remove some tissue…no big deal.”

Talk about uncomfortable huh? Just to give you a little more advice on the topic, I’ve included another guide which is linked on the bottom of this post. To those who need the assistance, I hope you all find your  future “shark bite,” best of luck!

https://www.fhcrc.org/patient/support/survivorship/resources/Healthlink.TellingOthersYouAreASurvivor.pdf

Cancer; A Blessing in Disguise?

So many people I have heard being diagnosed with cancer have told me that it was a somewhat of a miracle or blessing because it CHANGED them. Now, maybe it changed or didn’t change anyone, but for me…I feel as though it most certainly was somewhat of a miracle for my family and I. I know it sounds crazy, but once you hear my story, you won’t think I’m talking out of my ass on this one.

Although this is a bit off topic, I’m going to keep you informed a little on my past before the diagnoses. Not for your pity, but mainly for proof of my statement in the above paragraph. For extra dynamic proof and understanding for my beloved audience, I went “out of my way” to google the exact definition of the word fate.  Here it is:

• destiny: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future
• destiny: the ultimate agency regarded as predetermining the course of events (often personified as a woman); “we are helpless in the face of destiny”
• destine: decree or designate beforehand; “She was destined to become a great pianist”
• fortune: your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that happens to you); “whatever my fortune may be”; “deserved a better fate”; “has a happy lot”; “the luck of the Irish”; “a victim of circumstances”; “success that was her portion”

So there you go, if you were not aware of the term fate before this post, now I hope you have somewhat of an idea before I discuss the chain of events that took place in my life before and after my diagnoses. Just to quickly summarize, back in the year 2000, I lost my brother (steven) in a car accident. He was 18 years old and I was 15. Due to this horrific event that occurred in mine and my parents’ lives, the devastation left us broken as a family. Now, I won’t go into exact detail because most of the information is private and not relating to this blog whatsoever, but I will tell you that my relationship with my parents was dissipating. Being so unprepared for such an untimely death of someone you care for can most definitely rip your heart right out of your chest. That’s exactly what it did to us. Times were tough and the fighting between us all at the time was unimaginable. Even thinking back now, I can’t believe the horrible things we’ve said to each other. To this day, no event in my life will ever be worse or more heartbreaking than the loss of my brother, not a minute goes by that I don’t think of him.

It was only 2 short years after that I was diagnosed with an Osteosarcoma. Since the event of my diagnoses was also devastating (especially for my parents sake), the arguments and behavioral issues quickly got swept underneath the carpet and we got to work on my beating it. I don’t think I’ve seen two people step more up to the plate than I have with mom and dad. Even though I never expected less from them, still, (after those 2 painful last years after steven’s death) seeing them calling every oncologist in the metropolitan area while trying to comfort me at the same time was amazing to me. They just “took care of it.” I can’t imagine anyone else being better at this task than they were.

All of a sudden, the fights and the bitterness ended. After losing their first son, they were now being tested again with the only child they had left almost experiencing death. Day after day of treatments I watched my dad sit there in the uncomfortable hospital chair next to my day-bed in the out-patient pediatric center in Sloan Kettering. Together, we’d watch sappy Lifetime movies as the chemo pushed its way into my veins and forced me into a deep, eluded sleep. Dad never said “no” to anything that I wanted or needed, even at my worst. If I was craving Chinese food, he went out there to get it for me even though it would eventually end up on the floor or in the toilet an hour later.

Mom would visit after work or in between on breaks, sometimes she’d even get out early and come home with us. Either way, she was my personal nurse from the time I got out of my dads car to when I left the house the next morning for my daily dosage of poison all the way in Manhattan. From the head rubs in the middle of the night (she’d give them to distract me from the terrible soars down my throat I would contract from the various treatments) to cooking the specific “doctors orders” meals day after day, this woman was (and still is) my personal hero. There is absolutely nothing she didn’t do for me.

Both my mom and dad are the reason why I fought my cancer with such class and quietness about it. They showed me not only of their unconditional love and devotion, but also their STRENGTH… in more ways than one. Together me, mom and dad fought this disease, I cant be the only one responsible for this defeat. Maybe it was Steven that couldn’t tolerate whatever was left of our tight-knit family from falling apart? Just maybe the boundaries of fate took over in order for us to become whole again? Either way, there’s no actual proof of knowing, but there is definitely enough belief between all three of us that it was fate and my brother, Steven, at work. If you asked me if I believed my cancer was a good thing, I’d tell you noway! But what I would say, was that it changed my life and brought me and my parents back together after one of the worst devastations we’ve ever experienced in our lives. Ya, I think that just might be a blessing in disguise!

Here is a story that may back up what I’m saying and is also very interesting. Check it out!

http://cbs2chicago.com/local/violent.mugging.cancer.2.1020319.html

My left and right hands… the ones responsible for my craziness and my strength. Love you both with all of my heart!

Here they are... mom and dad.

Before and After Effect

So, I wasn’t going to do this, but I decided that maybe some photos may inspire all of you future cancer survivors or just anyone in general. It took somewhere around an hour just to go through the piles of photos from my past, but when I stumbled upon these pictures, they stuck out like a sore thumb. It has been (and still is) extremely hard to look at these and not cringe with the specific detail of my physical change that I had to endure. To be honest, I had these pictures hidden way down deep on the bottom of my collection of loose photos so no one would see them, and now here I am posting them on the web for the world to see.

To many, (including myself) I am unrecognizable due to the loss of hair around my face and head. Sure I had the pricey wig that had a mixture of real and fake hair, (supposedly, those were the best) but I decided that wearing a wig in the humid, unbearable summer was definitely NOT happening. Therefore, bandannas were the biggest part of my “new” wardrobe. A little note also to those who may be embarking on the journey of chemo… wigs are uncomfortable! So if you were thinking about purchasing an expensive one, don’t do it because you’ll never wear it, take it from me.

Another unrecognizable feature in my before pics is skin color. I’ve noticed, from treatments, that my pigment changed every so often. Some of you may be saying, “well, thats kind of cool or different…” well, Im here to tell you that it’s not. Going from pale to bronze to yellow? I honestly don’t know why the chemo did that to me but it wasn’t pretty in the least bit. On the other hand, I really wasn’t looking in the mirror all too much during that time in my life so I could’ve been green and still wouldn’t have noticed.

Some people still ask me how I did it. The loss of my hair came fast and quite frankly the large strands of hair falling out were literally choking me in my sleep, it became a hazard to keep whatever hair I had left on my head. So, ultimately, I went and did the unthinkable (during that period in my life at least). I buzzed it off. I remember looking in the mirror as the tears fell and the buzzer made another stripe across my head. My eyes glued to the floor, I watched as each strand fell to the ground at the hair salon where my dad goes to get his cuts. I could’ve stayed home and had my dad do it, but I figured that if I was going to be bald for the next 6 months to a year, I needed to practice going out publicly as a bald 17 year old. I cried for hours, boy did that suck.

Eventually, my little bald head and black rings covering my eyes became a new me. I dealt with it. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some hair follicles in order to make it through to see a tomorrow. Today, I’m a proud owner of REAL hair that is still growing on my head. It may not be the best type of hair but hey, it’s mine and it’s better than having no hair at all.

Either way, I’m not putting these pictures up for me, there here for all of you young/old, male/female cancer battlers. At first the physical changes are rough, but eventually, those changes become part of the person you are and you will learn to adapt. As much as I may cringe at these pictures (lets face it, they’re still a little frightening!) , I still have so much pride in them.

This picture was taken during my last week of treatments. Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt were visiting the pediatric center in Sloan to cheer up the patients and also to promote their movie, “The Tuxedo”. I was half awake when this picture was taken and also doped up on various meds including chemo.

Jackie Chan visiting Sloan, my last week of treatments.

This next one is a little more on the brighter side. This was taken about a month or so after treatments and it just so happened to be my 18th birthday!

Making wishes....

And just to give some of you an idea of what it looked like when my hair was starting to come back in. Within this transition, I remember having a lot of fun with the different styles I experimented with.

Wildwood, NJ- Summer of 2003

And now after all of the experimenting and transitions, you have the final product here.

Summer of 2009- Ocean City, MD

“Lets be clear here, THIS STINKS!”

Browsing away through the miscellaneous archives of YouTube, I came across this very intriguing video taken from the show, Oprah. I was not familiar with a Dr. Randy Pausch before this video, but I wish I was especially after viewing this video amongst several others on YouTube.

 I constantly ask myself every now and again if I could live with the fact of knowing when exactly it is that I am going to die. To be honest, Im not very sure where that road would leave me. My mind can only think of going in the direction of one of two ways: 1) I go absolutely nuts and commit acts I probably cannot even visualize at the moment or 2) try to deal with the situation and do anything and everything I’ve always wanted to do since I can remember (i.e take extravagant vacations or jump out of an airplane). In the event of my future passing, not once has it ever crossed my mind to create a lecture about my death in order to motivate and move an audience. Lets face it, if we were to know we were going to pass away from a serious illness, we’re going to be as selfish and upset as we want to be. Although this statement holds truth, still you have the one or two people that may want to influence others about the importance of life.

Here you have an average, working male who has been battling Pancreatic Cancer for quite a bit of time. Unfortunately, after many treatments and time in remission, Dr. Randy Pausch’s cancer had come back in full force only to lead to his passing in July of 2008. When I watched this video, I can think of one word only… WOW! If this isn’t inspiration for anyone in general, then I don’t know what is? You don’t need the scare of a disease in order for you to realize the importance of life and how you live it. To show an example, here is a man who is not going to live much longer but still can find a way to appreciate the life and things he had and still has. Take a look and tell me what you think…

RELAY RELAY RELAY!!!

Every year, the American Cancer Society runs a fundraiser called Relay For Life which consists of a walk-a-thon and all day fundraiser to raise money for cancer. This year, (my very first year) I have decided to participate in the Brooklyn/Dyker Heights relay as a team captain. This particular event is somewhat substantial to me because it is the very first time I will be partaking in something so amazing and rewarding. Ever since I finished my treatments, I have always wanted to give something back for my survival and I feel that this event really does it justice and only entices me to do more! If you’ll notice, on the side of my page I have linked the site to my Relay teams page to either donate or join. The event will be held June 19th at the Ft.Hamilton football field In Brooklyn, NY. So far my team has raised somewhere around $555 and that is only through the internet!

If anyone is interested in donating or walking with my team and I, it would be most appreciated! If you feel that you do not want to join and just donate, that would be fine as well! Also, I am looking into a fundraising happy hour event within the next few weeks. Im still in the process of putting that together, but I will keep you all informed about time and place information. My team name is Team NYC when you search for a name or you can just put in my full name which is Jennifer Adamo. Any donations would be so helpful. All funds go directly to the American Cancer Foundation by the way so no one else will be receiving any particular amount you decide to donate, its purely for the cause! Again, the link is on the side of this page, so click away guys…  : )

“My Sisters Keeper” and Me !

On the topic of real life-like movies dealing with cancer, I have chosen to stick with a movie I had just seen within the last few months called “My Sisters Keeper”. Now, for some, this movie may be a little too graphic or too “real” as many told me, but I on the other hand felt very connected with it and recommend it to anyone. Of course a move like this one would bring anyone watching it to tears, but it was extremely inspirational and touching for those who have experienced the traumatic affects of cancer in general.

The story is basically about a young girl growing up with leukemia and her family doing everything they possibly can for her survival. The parents even went as far as to pro-create a child for the sole purpose of body parts and bone marrow- all was well and good for years until the young girl decided to spare her sister and made her take the parents to court for rights to her own body. This movie, although in some ways very hard to watch, can be extremely moving and inspirational to those interested. Although it turned out to be a very sad and depressing ending, still I felt the story line to be powerful and intense. This was a girl who lived her entire life fighting a disease she couldn’t fight for anymore and the only way she could go in peace was to make her little sister protest her parents against giving Kate (the young girl with cancer) her kidney. Ultimately, Kate ended up passing, but by her own choice.

The mother, played by Cameron Diaz, was somewhat of a control freak when it came to Kate’s health and survival. Her struggle and passion to keep her daughter alive was very moving, but yet so realistic to someone who has been through the disease as a child or young adult.

Watching Kate transition constantly from healthy to sick throughout the course of the film was like going back in time for me. I had forgotten a lot of  what I had been through mainly because I chose to forget, but this movie most definitely reminded me! The struggle with chemo and treatments, loss of hair, the doctor to patient relationship and the patient to patient relationship was all too real for me. Of course dragging back all of those memories was not easy to think about when watching the film, still I felt very close to Kate’s character and the reminder of my illness brought me back down to earth. It’s the little things that really matter and I forgot about that at some points in my life as most people do.

There was so much I had taken advantage of before being sick that I was not aware of . Most importantly, it was the freedom of being a regular teen. I missed out on most of my senior year of high school which was supposed to be the best year of my life. While everyone around me was eating all kinds of food, I had trouble just keeping it down. Always complaining about my hair and how it was curly instead of straight and hating everything about the way I looked was nothing compared to what I was in store for through treatments. I regretted every idiotic remark I had made about my appearance or about anything in general. My mom always quotes this particular saying and I believe it to hold so much truth, “I once complained about having no shoes, til I met a man with no feet.” This basically states that we should be grateful for the things and people we have in our life instead of constantly complaining about them. Sure we all go through our ups and downs but the trick is to live and appreciate the ups and downs. It Doesnt matter what your story is, because everyone has one, what makes you stand out is how you take your story and impact others with your survival through it.

Now, how can this movie convince someone who hasn’t been through cancer or doesnt have any experience with someone who has been through cancer? Easy question to answer! Even though the graphics are somewhat hard to watch for those unaware of the side affects (mentally and physically), this movie can be used as a source of information in some ways. In order to realize that a certain disease exists, we first have to face it and know what we may be up against even if we dont experience it. I stress very strongly about that issue. Viewing gruesome realsitic details about the physical and mental changes a type of disease may cause can be fightening,(trust me I know!) but I feel it’s better to see it then not know at all.

The second reason (and most important reason) someone who hasn’ t had any knowledge about this disease SHOULD view this film is because of the lesson that is displayed. The lesson is easy guys…appreciate everything! Dont take anything for granted because it can be taken from you at any point in your life.  Sure, Kate was a fabrication, but there are most definitely versions of Kate who are going through (or went through) the same situation. No matter how bad things may be in your life, they can always be worse!

The DVD is out right now and I believe will be coming out to cable TV within the next 2 months if not earlier. Although I haven’t read the book yet, I was told that it was just as good also. Go check it out!